Not very long ago all you needed to do some administrative work
was Excel. Blame it on population (read IT jobs) explosion from a few thousands to hundreds
of thousands in big league players; or the increase in half-baked programmed robots
who cannot think of next step without being spoon fed on what button to click
next. Simplicity, uniformity, process orientation whatever buzzword the product
might have been sold on. It remains the fact that office automation has created lot of jobs within the organisations, well this is a good sign in many ways. But
like every aspect in life it has its share of darkness.This post is an attempt
to take that on a lighter note with these surreal situations. One such call to Service
desk.
(It is needless to say how many times you have to press the
numbers on your telephone pad and how much of time you have to spend listening
to the same on-hold tune :) )
Me: Hello, I just
realised my payslip has only got half of my half salary.
(I don’t think it is weird fact, since everyone is aware of the other
half goes into WeChangeYourLivesToBeBeggarsForever and
WeAreHereToServePeopleIfYouBribeUs trusts bank accounts for the
welfare of calamity stricken next 7 generations of their heirs.)
WhoCaresAboutYourPayDesk
Representative: Wait a zillion minutes while I retrieve your details from
our MayDayPaySystem
(after Einstein’s Theory of Relativity proved e=mc2th
time)
Rep: Well! The system
says you have not come to work for 5 days this month and hence you got paid only
half.
Me: How come? I
have been working all the month, in fact I had to cut short my long planned
Sunday afternoon nap to attend a GodYouWillNeverGetThisDealCuzWeWantItForFree proposal call.
Rep: I don’t care
if you did work but system says you were not working for 5 days
Me: How does it
know that I did not come to work?
Rep: It is
StronglyIntegrated with our YourFutureIsInOurHands Attendance system, which did
not detect your DNA sample in the loo.
Me: But I was
working at one of our client location for 5 days. But I have not got any
warning mails about my attendance records.
Rep: Is it? Okay,
I have released those mails. They should be in your inbox now. Do you have any
other questions?
Me: Hang on a
minute, I don’t want the warning mails now. I need to know what happened to my
salary.
Rep: You got half
of half your salary, what else do you need?
Me: Okay, why
deduct half salary for 5 days?
Rep: Our
MayDayPay Systems are designed to assume if employees do not turn out for work
for 5 days there is more than 0.001% chance that they may not turn up for
another 5 days. So it deducts 15 days of your salary. We will pay you back the
rest in 200 equal instalments of arrears if you make it to work for next 2o years
without such un-notified absence.
Me: But 5 + 5 is
not 15
Rep: Don’t teach
me Biology, we also deduct 5 days for paying taxes in the period which you did
not earn.
Me: Well, I guess this is unnecessary topic, while I have
actually worked for those 5 days. Whom to contact if I have to get this
corrected?
Rep: As I said, it is not my job, but since you are
persistently asking the same question and I feel pity on you and giving the
information. Before that let me fill the application form nominating myself for
GoingExtraMileToMakeYouSmileSomethingWrongWithYourFaceIfYouDidnt
award. . If you were at client location you need to
call AlwaysFoundInCafeteria employee welfare team. I need to join my team in LavishBarForHardlyWorkingServiceReps
for celebrating the award for being most courteous service desk beyond the
universe awarded by WeDontCareWhatYouThink opinion poll survey.
[To be continued…]
