Thursday, May 1, 2014

Pedantic Integrated System Services– Committed to PISS you off

Not very long ago all you needed to do some administrative work was Excel. Blame it on population (read IT jobs) explosion from a few thousands to hundreds of thousands in big league players; or the increase in half-baked programmed robots who cannot think of next step without being spoon fed on what button to click next. Simplicity, uniformity, process orientation whatever buzzword the product might have been sold on. It remains the fact that office automation has created lot of jobs within the organisations, well this is a good sign in many ways. But like every aspect in life it has its share of darkness.This post is an attempt to take that on a lighter note with these surreal situations. One such call to Service desk.
(It is needless to say how many times you have to press the numbers on your telephone pad and how much of time you have to spend listening to the same on-hold tune :) )
Me: Hello, I just realised my payslip has only got half of my half salary.
(I don’t think it is weird fact, since everyone is aware of the other half goes into WeChangeYourLivesToBeBeggarsForever and WeAreHereToServePeopleIfYouBribeUs trusts bank accounts for the welfare of calamity stricken next 7 generations of their heirs.)
WhoCaresAboutYourPayDesk Representative: Wait a zillion minutes while I retrieve your details from our MayDayPaySystem
(after Einstein’s Theory of Relativity proved e=mc2th time)
Rep: Well! The system says you have not come to work for 5 days this month and hence you got paid only half.
Me: How come? I have been working all the month, in fact I had to cut short my long planned Sunday afternoon nap to attend a GodYouWillNeverGetThisDealCuzWeWantItForFree proposal call.
Rep: I don’t care if you did work but system says you were not working for 5 days
Me: How does it know that I did not come to work?
Rep: It is StronglyIntegrated with our YourFutureIsInOurHands Attendance system, which did not detect your DNA sample in the loo.
Me: But I was working at one of our client location for 5 days. But I have not got any warning mails about my attendance records.
Rep: Is it? Okay, I have released those mails. They should be in your inbox now. Do you have any other questions?
Me: Hang on a minute, I don’t want the warning mails now. I need to know what happened to my salary.
Rep: You got half of half your salary, what else do you need?
Me: Okay, why deduct half salary for 5 days?
Rep: Our MayDayPay Systems are designed to assume if employees do not turn out for work for 5 days there is more than 0.001% chance that they may not turn up for another 5 days. So it deducts 15 days of your salary. We will pay you back the rest in 200 equal instalments of arrears if you make it to work for next 2o years without such un-notified absence.
Me: But 5 + 5 is not 15
Rep: Don’t teach me Biology, we also deduct 5 days for paying taxes in the period which you did not earn.
Me: Well, I guess this is unnecessary topic, while I have actually worked for those 5 days. Whom to contact if I have to get this corrected?
Rep: As I said, it is not my job, but since you are persistently asking the same question and I feel pity on you and giving the information. Before that let me fill the application form nominating myself for GoingExtraMileToMakeYouSmileSomethingWrongWithYourFaceIfYouDidnt award.  . If you were at client location you need to call AlwaysFoundInCafeteria employee welfare team. I need to join my team in LavishBarForHardlyWorkingServiceReps for celebrating the award for being most courteous service desk beyond the universe awarded by WeDontCareWhatYouThink opinion poll survey.

[To be continued…]